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Days Until Heartbreak/Never Again
i'm not welcome and then she says never again part twenty one of Days Until Heartbreak My new home is rather majestic compared to my old ones. The cats are consummate hunters and fighters. They have an affable demeanor, making it easy for me to settle in with them. "They don't hold grudges, but they are still wary of newcomers." The old she-cat - Greta - explained. It seemed true. None of the cats treated me with the hostility and hatred that I expected. Though none of them seemed to really want me to be there. "Don't worry," Greta had also mewed, "It'll get easier. In a moon you'll be part of the family in no time." She eyed the camp, "That is, if you learn to change of course." I hadn't really got what that meant but Greta told me that I would understand soon enough. And after a few days of helping around and living in the Alcove, I learned that each cat had something that made him or her a castaway. They were rejected from society and thrown into the wilderness to fend for themselves. But Greta knows everything. She would find them and give them a new home, where in one moon time, if they learn to change their bad habits and thoughts, they'll be accepted. "What's my problem?" I end up asking one day. Greta looks quite tired at that moment. "I can't tell you that. You need to learn from your own mistakes. And plus," she glances up at the sky, as if reading the stars, "I think you know what it is but you don't want to admit it. Look around you. Do you see the she-cats and toms separated? Do you see them rejecting one another for the sake of a 'society'? Do you see them giving out harsh punishments as a result of breaking a rule?" "No," I answer quietly. "Exactly. Learn from your mistakes, Sari." I turn my eyes to the nightsky as well. What if I never had any of the traits I do now? Would I have been able to change the future? Would I end up with Ice? Or would I never have met him and Aura and I would still be best friends? Sometimes I marvel how one choice change everything. Greta smiles when I look back down at her. "You understand now, don't you?" she mews softly, "It's all in your heart. Change it." She turns and ambles away. "Yes," I whisper, "I do understand now. Thank you." There are always reasons to live, even when you've failed to do something. Such as the will to push onwards, to complete your goals, and of course, to change your life. That is what I strive to live for. ~ I don't know why I keep finding myself near Aura's territory. I can't shake off the fact that I do need to settle scores with the silver she-cat and repair the damage I've done. It's almost like my daily habit, where I'd end up standing near the border and staring across the imaginary scent line, thinking about all the things they must be doing. Greta's words come back to me. She obviously thought that I had to accept that she-cats and toms are meant to live with one another and that not all toms are as selfish as the one who took Winter away. Which leads me to my next question. Is Ice a good tom or a bad tom? Just thinking about the white tom brings back memories. And of course, thinking about him also brings up the memory of a certain, snobby Clan cat. Just the image of her smirk and that conceited look just wants to make me puke. My paws take control of my body and carry me across the border. I don't know where I'm going but when I do stop, I find myself in front of Sweetie's grave. I stare down at it, wishing I could turn back time and save the young she-cat. She certainly didn't deserve to die the way she did. Perhaps she would have been happy with someone. A tom maybe. I'm so lost in my thoughts that I don't even notice when the bush next to me explodes. A heavy weight bowls me over and I find myself staring into the eyes of Hector. The brown she-cat has her teeth bared and I duck just as her teeth snap shut where my ear had been. My fighting instinct takes over. I kick the small she-cat off. "What in the name of the stars are you doing?" I spit out, "Have you lost your mind?" "The only cat who has lost her mind is you." Hector retorts, "What are you doing on our territory?" "I'm visiting Sweetie's grave." It's true after all, even though it wasn't really my first intent. Hector's eyes are sorrowful as she glances at where Sweetie is buried. Then they harden once more as they land on me again. "Sweetie is no longer of your concern. Aura has given you so many chances to stay away but you just don't get it, do you? You're a cruel, vicious creature who doesn't care about others. All you care about is getting what you want, and you wouldn't even care that others are suffering because of what you want!" I blink. I never knew that Hector had such vile judgment of me. Then I remember all the times I've threatened to do something when I didn't get what I wanted. She's right. Things like this would never have happened if I had just changed my attitude. Is it too late to change now? Before I can say anything, Hector lunges for me again. I roll to the side and back away. She keeps coming, as if trying to rid of me forever. "I'm glad Aura's the leader now," Hector hisses, "She actually cares about us and she treats us like her equal. Kayli was right; Aura is the better leader." My eyes widen. Before I can stop myself, I unshealthe my claws and smack Hector away from me. "Stop," I choke out, "Stop it." She looks triumphant by my reaction. It is as if she's proven that I am what she says I am. Though I can't deny it any longer. "I just want to change," I whisper, "is that too much to ask for?" I back away. I don't even look at Hector as I turn and flee. I can sense eyes on me and I know that once again, Aura was watching me. She's always watching. But this time she didn't step in. And I know what that means. She planned on letting Hector do whatever the brown she-cat wanted to me without even trying to stop it. Before, she would usher the cats away and warn me, as if protecting me from my own group. But never again.